They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
