you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
