ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
