i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
