im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
