Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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