dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
