Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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