I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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