Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
