You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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