he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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