is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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