just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
