i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
