Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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