I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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