a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
