mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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