I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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