i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
