my phone needs a breathalizer
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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