hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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