there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
