The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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