Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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