how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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