i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
