so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
