a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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