i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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