I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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