she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
