yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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