Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
