I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
