And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
