My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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