I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
