There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
