When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
