the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
