You just made me feel so damn special
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize