Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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