Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
