I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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