i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Less talking, more tequila
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
My bed smells like the plague
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize