Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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