Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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