he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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