I cockslap morals
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
