Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
No subtext here. People are naked.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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