got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
