Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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