ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
