It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
