You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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